


Fuyu to yuki o osorete (Afraid of winter and the snow)

by CCWorkS



Category: Original Story
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Major Illness, Mental Illness, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Sad Ending, Winter Romance, dont expect a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:55:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25862422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CCWorkS/pseuds/CCWorkS
Summary: It was a sudden sentence. “Iseri, I don’t know if I will make it through the Winter. I’m scared for it.”(Ps. There will be more chapters to this, obviously)
Relationships: Yuuki Etsu/ Iseri Suzuki
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings!
> 
> Su*cide  
> Major Depression

It was a sudden sentence. “Iseri, I don’t know if I will make it through the Winter, I’m scared for it.”  
Those words were from Yuuki, my friend of a mere 3 months. I knew she was going through some stuff, but I had no idea of the full extent.

Even though it has been 3 months, Yuuki isn’t even half way through telling me her past. All that I know so far is that she had a baby sister when she was 14, and that sister died when she was 7 months old. Her mother grew into a depression after then, and largely neglected Yuuki, causing her to find her own job, and buy her own food and necessities. It’s actually quite sad. After her mother grew into a depression, her father left the house, and hasn't returned since. Yuuki’s life is so sad, yet she still smiles in front of everyone. Yuuki had just said that chilling sentence, and I was stunned. “You..what?” I replied in disbelief. Yuuki had jet black wavy hair, and shockingly blue eyes. I stared right into them, cementing the idea I was concerned. “I.. I’m scared I’m going to badly harm myself, or attempt suicide.” She said those words with such sincerity, it was frightening.

“Yuuki, you can’t do that to me.. I care for you too much. I would shatter. _My world would shatter._ ” Yuuki looked at me with such tired eyes, then began to sob loudly. I held onto her as she cried, which somehow caused her to cry harder. Yuuki suddenly got up from my grasp, and ran out of my house. I was about to call out for her, but the door had already slammed.

It’s sadly ironic how her name is Yuuki, yet she is afraid of what comes with snowfall.  
I just want to make her feel ok. That’s all I want.  
_Yuuki Etsu walked right into my life, and now I too am afraid she will walk right out of it._

(November 24th, 2012)


	2. 十一月 (November.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This whole chapter entails the rest of November.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same triggers

November 25th, 2012.

Yuuki came back to my house later that night, and said she was sorry for running out of the house like that. I really want to invite Yuuki and her mother over for our Christmas, I think it would definitely make her happy. This November is definitely one of the coldest I’ve experienced, most lakes are already iced over. Yuuki now only wears a selection of knit turtleneck sweaters, ranging from Black, to white, to blue. She wears different colored scarves as well. It’s actually quite cute on her, she just looks like she belongs in winter. I’m quite grateful she only wears leggings in the Winter, _you wouldn’t want to see her legs._ Yuuki has definitely changed, mostly smiling in front of me. When I met her in June, she seemed to only be a complete mess.   
  


November 28th, 2012.

I’ve only ever seen Yuuki’s mom twice, and both times she was simply passed out on the couch, and Yuuki had to make sure she was properly warm, as the heat in the house had ran out a week prior.  
For Yuuki only being 18, she has a lot to do for her apartment. She is the sole grocery provider, and does mostly everything in the apartment. I want to invite her over for Christmas, definitely. Most nights I take Yuuki out to dinner, and pay for her. It’s the least I can do for her comfort and happiness, but it’s what I’m willing to do. Yuuki usually orders the most interesting soup on the menu, and it amuses me at how crazy she can get with what’s she’s gonna eat. It’s a little unnerving, how much Yuuki seems like she is getting better, yet I’m sure she’s just the same.  
She can’t fool me of that.

As for me, I’m just the most normal guy you could think of. Brown hair and green eyes. Compared to Yuuki, she is definitely more interesting than me.

November 30th, 2012

It’s already the end of November, and I have no idea what December will bring. I’m sure Yuuki is scared for it, but unbeknownst to her I am as well.  
Yuuki’s name means snow, and I’m sure it’s because of her birthday of December 4th.  
The Christmas songs have already started playing.Usually Christmas songs are happy, yet something feels wrong... I feel wrong. I don’t know how Yuuki is feeling. She is happy now in front of me, But I cannot tell how she is really feeling. Something tells me I don’t want to. Yet, I know exactly how her mother is feeling. She is as depressed as the day Yuuki’s baby sister Natsumi died. It’s a little ironic how Yuuki is snow, and Natsumi is summer. I think it may have been planned. But that’s just my hunch. For Yuuki’s birthday on December 4th, I want to take her ice skating, and hopefully boost her mood that she hasn’t shown me.

December 1st, 2012.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listen to Christmas songs while writing on purpose, IT IS TORTUROUS. Just to think Yuuki is so scared for Christmas time, yet the songs are so happy is DISTURBING TO ME. 
> 
> (Edit: Holly Jolly Christmas is now playing and all I can think of is Yuuki goddamn sobbing someone help me omg)


	3. 十二月 (December)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuki and Iseri skating for Yuuki’s birthday 🥺

* * *

* * *

December 4th, 2012.

It’s Yuuki’s birthday today!! I’m actually very excited for her, I’m taking her ice skating. We are experienced in ice skating, so this will go well.  
Yuuki’s apartment is the level above me, on the 15th floor. It isn’t that bad of a worry, but I still do worry a bit about having Yuuki on the 15th floor of an apartment building. Never mind that however.

I climbed the stairs up one floor, and let myself into Yuuki’s home (we would just do that in each-others homes) my face instantly turned to a bright, intense shade of red. _Yuuki looked so...cute!!!_ Yuuki wore her hair in smaller pigtails, like a half up half down but with pigtails. She wore a sweater dress, that looks just like the ones she always wears. Scarves and all. She wore her usual black leggings, with some soft winter boots. “Iseri..? Are you feeling alright?” Yuuki asked in confusion. “Ah-! Um.. yes I’m feeling just fine!!” Yuuki laughed my response off. Behind my back I held a bouquet of red roses and a small, Christmas decorated gift bag. I held them out to Yuuki, who’s eyes lit up. Her mother then got up from her station at the couch, she seemed to be watching Christmas movies. “Yuuki..he got you a present..!” She looked at me with such sincerity that I was actually giving her daughter a birthday present. *gasp* “thank you Iseri!!” Yuuki gently took out the little black box from the bag. She opened the box, and to her eyes she saw a silver necklace with a pendant in the shape of a snowflake. A medium sized Blue Topaz in the middle. “It’s Yuuki’s birthstone...” her mother said in awe. “Iseri...how in the world did you get your hands on something like this..?” Yuuki looked up at me also in awe. “My father is the owner of a jewelry store in downtown Tokyo. He gifted it to me to give to you.” Yuuki’s mouth stayed agape as she stared at the necklace. She proceeded to gently take the necklace out of its box. “Mom..can you put it on me?” Her mother nodded and clasped the chain on Yuuki’s neck. “You look beautiful. You look like my 19 year old little girl.” Yuuki embraced her mother, and grabbed my hand, and led me right out of the apartment.

The ice rink downtown is indoors, I used to go there as a kid. It’s actually pretty big. “Hey Yuuki? Where do you work?” I asked. “Oh, I work at the tailors shop right by the Yamaha line.” Yuuki responded quickly. “Do you use the train to get there?”  
“No, I could never memorize train schedules so I always walked. It isn’t as far as you would think by a walk.” Yuuki while walking, always momentarily looked down at her necklace. I think she really quite likes it.  
we arrived, we only saw about 7 people there. So we had the ice mostly to ourselves. Me and Yuuki spent most of our time trying to master skating while holding hands, and trying to skate backwards. The whole time was really great, but I wanted to do something else for her. “Yuuki!! Let’s grab a drink from the vending machine outside!!” Yuuki quickly skated over to me, and came out of the rink. We reached the vending machine, however I had no intention of getting a single drink. I swiftly grabbed Yuuki’s wrist, and backed her against the attached wall, in a pretty impressive kabedon. “I-Iseri..???” I quickly hushed Yuuki by placing my own lips upon hers. I never expected her to, but she almost instantaneously reciprocated. Then something else happened at the same exact time. _It began to snow._ It has not snowed yet this winter. **Me and Yuuki shared the first snowfall of the season together.** Yuuki was first to break the kiss, embracing me in a comfortable hug, her head places upon my shoulder, her holding my hair. “ _Iseri, you make me feel alive. And I like feeling alive.”_

that was all it took for me to begin crying. “It’s ok. You can cry for me.” That was all the validation I needed to cry into Yuuki’s hug. “I..I want to make you feel ok.. and to make you feel alive.”   
  
_“You’ve done it Iseri. You’ve done it.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn’t expect it to be this long, gonna have to make this a whole separate chapter lol 
> 
> There is said to be strong implications that sharing ones first snow of the season means that you will be together forever. Let’s just see if that happens here. 
> 
> Keep in mind some small details such as Yuuki not being able to memorize train schedules, or Iseri being scared of Yuuki’s apartment being on the 15th floor. They play huge roles in knowing this story well.


	4. 十二月 (December)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter that truly fucked me up

December 6th, 2012. 

After ice skating, me and Yuuki decided that my best decision was to start dating her. I do love Yuuki, a lot. _I want to make sure she stays alive._ as long as Yuuki is alive and well, I will love her unconditionally. 

I continue to take Yuuki out to dinner most nights, and she has made a habit of never taking off her necklace. Ever. Haven’t seen her with it off since the day I gave it to her. Life seems to be looking up for both of us. _I lied. I lied completely. I know exactly how Yuuki is feeling. _it’s so sad how Yuuki acts joyful around me to make me feel comfortable. She thinks she can make me stop caring about it. I won’t ever stop caring. I can’t stop caring.   
  


December 10th, 2012.

Yuuki’s mother somehow got in contact with me. Her call went along the lines of, “Thank you for being with Yuuki all this time, she seems to be looking up when you are around, only to go back to her usual physically and mentally suicidal self. Not to worry you!!” Did she expect me not to worry? Really?? Can’t believe her mother even called me saying that. Yuuki certainly looks happy near me, almost like she made a 180. But according to her mother she made no turn of the sort. I just want to make Yuuki feel ok. I want to keep her alive here. Yuuki and I have gone on multiple dates, including dinners, more ice skating, and movie and cuddle night. She is truly very cute. And I really do love her. I hope she doesn’t shatter my world, because she is my world. My parents are used to me being out of the house now, either at work or her house. They haven’t asked about her however. They must be assuming something is going on that they don’t need to intervene with, as they see me as mature.

December 13th, 2012. Today I want to take Yuuki to the local hot springs, which is swimsuit only gratefully... Yuuki came out of her apartment. She was wearing her usual clothes, I’m assuming her bathing suit is under her clothes. We took a cab to the place, which doubles as a hotel. “...Iseri I’m gonna go change into my swimsuit..” I could tell Yuuki’s words carried unease. A moment later Yuuki came out with her hair in a bun, wearing a black swimsuit. The sleeves were... almost nonexistent. I was close to vomit. For a second I had forgotten how horrible Yuuki had cut herself up. Her skin was...scarred, bloodied carnage. Before I could vomit I came to my senses, and didn’t mention it in fear of triggering her. How many spots had she cut...? Upper arms, thighs, lower arms, upper thigh... my god. My poor girlfriend. The hot springs was fine, Yuuki slowly eased out of her defense.

December 17th, 2012.

The snowfall has been very very heavy. Feet upon feet of snow. Yuuki has given me updates on her home and her mom, she gives her mother all her blankets to stay warm during the nights, and comes up to my apartment to sleep in my bed with me. I gratefully would offer a spot in my bed to my girlfriend. Any day. Yuuki likes to sleep with most of her body on mine, her head resting on my chest so my heartbeat can soothe her to sleep. In the morning she makes sure to bring home some breakfast for her mother. She’s so caring considering how her mother has been in a depressed rut for years, pent up over her sisters death.

December 19th, 2012.

When I knocked on Yuuki’s apartment door, her mother answered. “So sorry Iseri, Yuuki..isn’t feeling well today, you should check back tomorrow.” I nodded and Yuuki’s mother shut the door. I hope she isn’t sick. Actually, I quite know she isn’t. My poor girlfriend. I might as well go Christmas shopping, it’s the only thing I can do. I stumbled upon a store with very nice ornaments, which you could make your own by putting names on them. I chose a snowflake, and let the scribe write “Yuuki & Iseri, 12/4/12” to represent the day we started dating. I think it’s a great gift. I wanted one more gift for her.. oh I remember! I wanted to get her a nice blanket, one that she can bring to my apartment when she sleeps there. I found this really nice feeling blanket, it has a scene depicting a dove flying into the snowy night. I think it fits her very well.

December 22nd, 2012.

Yuuki and I spend most of our days at my house cuddling in my living room watching old Christmas movies. It’s very nostalgic. Yuuki’s eyes usually have such a glimmer to them, but in the past day they are so..dull. Lifeless. I hope she is actually ok. I pulled Yuuki’s head farther to my chest so she could hear my heartbeat, and in a matter of minutes she was asleep. So peaceful. I wanted her asleep, so she couldn’t be actively thinking. It was a better decision. I feel like I know something I shouldn't. As if I just know she hasn't changed. At this point I can't do anything to help her, but love her. It's all someone like me can do. Christmas is only days away, and I only feel the "Christmas cheer" like it is some watered down juice. I wonder if Yuuki is going to end up bringing her mother along with her.. we will just have to wait and see.

December 24th, 2012.

It's Christmas Eve. Yuuki has been over all day, we've been decorating the apartment extra today. The tree is lit up, in a beautiful arrangement of white light. Yuuki's eyes regained their glimmer, I think It's her natural Christmas cheer. It just lives within her. I don't have any siblings, so our tree is for show. I will put Yuuki's presents there however. Christmas music has been playing all day in the apartment, and my mother is baking. seems like a stereotypical family Christmas. I still can't read Yuuki all the way. She is the lord of deception it seems. By the end of the day, we had a lot of fun. Yuuki assumed her usual sleeping position, and gave a quick "Merry Christmas, Iseri."before I hugged her until she was asleep. 

December 25th, 2012.

Today is the day. It's Christmas. Yuuki woke me up with a hot coffee, in a new mug. "Merry Christmas, Darling." Yuuki was smiling wide. She wore a black long sleeve dress,with red accents adorning the collar and hem. Once again looking like the cutest thing in the building. Me and Yuuki went into my living room, and right under the tree sat Yuuki's presents. Yuuki's eyes glittered like a little child. It was endearing. "Go on Yuuki, open em!" Yuuki grabbed all three of her presents, and sat on the couch. She opened the ornament first, and gave a big smile. "It's the day we got together!! aww" Yuuki opened the blanket next, and when she was what was on it her eyes lit up. "It's a dove!" she gave be a big hug, and wrapped herself in the blanket. Yuuki's third present I thought was pretty special. She opened it to the sight of a new sweater, one with embroidered snowflakes on the sleeves. She gasped big, and gave me another big hug.

~ [referring to a time skip]

We all sat down for Christmas dinner, which was an assortment of my mother's best Japanese dishes. It was an enjoyable dinner, one that felt very warm, and welcoming. I really do love Yuuki. I really do. She is the light of my life. I sincerely hope she does not put out that light upon her own accord. I hope with someone to love Yuuki and always be there, she decides to keep living upon this earth. 

December 27th, 2012. 

I awoke to Yuuki not in my bed. She must be on the couch..right? _Yuuki wasn't on that couch._ Maybe the kitchen..? _Yuuki wasn't in the kitchen._ upon the refrigerator, laid a note. _I don't want to read it. please, I do not want to read that note._ Hesitantly, I picked the note off of the fridge door. 

My beloved Iseri,

I love you, I really do. That's why I need to do this. I'm so sorry to leave you behind, But I must. Always remember, from now on I am an angel. You will probably inherit my urn. My mother is most likely going to admit herself to a mental hospital, having lost both her children and her husband leaving. I'm at work, so I'm assuming you would take the Yamaha line there.  
Oh, by me saying that you can probably guess. I lied when I said I couldn’t memorize train schedules. I didn’t want to alarm you by saying what I really meant, which was “I’ve memorized just about every train in the local area.” I know all the train times for that line, and the lines near it.Felt so bad lying to you, but I know you had a feeling I was still suicidal the whole time.You know me all too well Iseri.I loved Christmas with you, I really did. But that just cemented how much you care for me, and won’t let me die. Why won’t you? Please let me go. I really do love you. But you need to let go of me.You really do.

Please let me leave.

_ I’m coming to live with you, Natsumi. _

Love,

Yuuki.

I felt a large pit in my stomach. I have to go on that train to see her now. I ran out of the apartment and straight onto the train station to the Yamaha line. Upon boarding the train, I didn't dare to sit. About 5 minutes onto the ride, the train abruptly stopped. “We seem to have hit something large, there will be a slight delay to investigate.” I heard the groans of people around me.

“Get me off this train right now!!! Move!! Open the door!!” The doors opened for me and I hopped right off the train onto the tracks. “Yu- _OH MY GOD!!”_ I ran to Yuuki as fast as I could, and held her in my arms. She had walked in front of the train, and been knocked backwards. “Yuuki, Yuuki are you alive????!” Yuuki opened her eyes, and took a frail arm up to my head, then pulled it onto her own. “Iseri... _nothing hurts anymore. Nothing.”_ Yuuki used her other arm to direct towards her necklace, and for me to take it off. I quickly and gently took off her necklace. Me and Yuuki laid there on the tracks for a little in pure silence. Our silence was deafening, despite being silent. listened to Yuuki’s frayed, weak breaths. They grew farther and farther apart. “ _Iseri, I love you. And I always..will.”_ Yuuki’s grip began to soften, as warm tears fell from her eyes. it seemed like seconds that we spent in silence, but we had spent a few minutes in reality. I continued to listen to Yuuki’s breath. She laid so peacefully, dying softly. She was peaceful, and at ease. Yuuki’s last breaths were 5 seconds apart. Yuuki’s hand slipped from my head onto the cold ground. _My world had shattered. Completely._

paramedics had to pull me off of Yuuki while I sobbed. I kept trying to feel for a pulse. Yuuki still layed there. My parents arrived at the scene, looking just about as shaken as me. “...Iseri, lets..go home.” That night felt cold. So, so cold. Multiple times that night I had spent waking up and crying, because Yuuki wasn’t there next to me. An empty spot in my bed would forever be there. And I can’t do a thing about it.   
  


May 13th, 2013.

I held Yuuki’s urn while sitting on my apartments couch. I had her blanket still wrapped around me. I have not taken off her necklace since the day she died. My parents were also very saddened after her death, since they knew her as even happier than I did. Yuuki was correct, her mother had admitted herself to a mental hospital to be cared for. I can’t imagine the pain, and suffering Yuuki felt in her last days alive. A picture of Yuuki will always be on my bedside table, as long as I live. I hope Yuuki is happy with her sister. I really do. It’s horrible she had to leave me behind, but she is always with me. I have been thinking about it, _Yuuki really is a dove, flying into a snowy night. Isn’t she? “It’s Spring, Yuuki. We made it to Spring.”_  
  


_“I love you, Yuuki. And I always will.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this being a sad crying fest, (I cried while making it. A lot.) we love you Yuuki.


	5. Chapter 5 (8 years later)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s currently December 4th, which means Yuuki could have been 26 years old. Iseri I’d say is most likely 25 or 26.

December 4th, 2020.

It’s been years. 8 of them. It’s been 8 years almost to the day that Yuuki Etsu had stepped in front of a train. Her words still ring in my head at night. Her voice soft as falling snow. Her memory lives as long as I do, and I truly will never forget her. I still wear her necklace, and get it refurbished. Her ornament still hangs on the tree, no matter how long my parents can look at me with sad looks. That just says, “Iseri, are you still holding on?” _I know. I know she’s dead, **you don’t need to remind me.**_ I truly never did let go of Yuuki. Much of what she had said holds true, her mother was just recently let from the hospital. She was there for the 8 years, because of her history of not coping with death well. She got to tell me what happened on the 19th, when she had to turn me down to see Yuuki. Yuuki the night before had been close to jumping off of her own balcony, to which her mother had to hold her back as she fought just to jump. She was locked in her room with food, and the apartment was suicide-proofed. Her mother had actually accepted her daughter was going to die when it happened, because she knew that Yuuki was not going to live her life much longer. I felt horrible for Yuuki’s mother, losing her entire immediate family. Yuuki's mother had already accepted that Yuuki was going to to die, the moment she had to pull Yuuki off of her own balcony.  
  


I flipped on the radio. _Last Christmas_ was playing. My heart nearly skipped a beat. It was Yuuki's favorite Christmas song. The living room suddenly filled with warmth. I felt two hands on the front of my shoulders. _No one was there._ I felt touch upon my hands, As if inviting me to dance. I chuckled lightly, and began to let this familiar touch guide me into dance. I could just hear how Yuuki would sing the song, her voice strong in the notes. " _I still love you Yuuki."_ I began to feel tears slide down my cheeks. I felt two hands touch my face gently, drying off my tears. there was a warm embrace. That was all the validation I needed to drop to my knees, and began sobbing. " _Iseri..you don't have to cry for me."_ Her words rang through my head. I only sobbed harder, clutching her urn in my arms. My parents had heard me, and came into the living room. "Hey, Hey...Iseri calm down.. I know it's hard today." My mother lightly stroked my back. "I saw her as the daughter I never had, I know how you feel today. Want to see Ms. Etsu? I'm sure she would appreciate a visit." I nodded my head, and me and Yuuki stepped out the door. _Floor 15, apartment number 1227._ I knocked. "Ms. Etsu? I brought over your daughter, we wanted to see you." She opened the door, with a light smile. I gave over Yuuki, so we could both sit at her dinner table. We had discussed for the past few days what to do now, as she had just got out of the hospital, and Yuuki has an urn. "Hey Iseri...How was Yuuki in her last days?" I had never wanted to answer that question. "Well...by December 23rd, Yuuki's body was cold as it laid there with me. Just unbearably cold. Her hands, her whole body. I had to manually warm her with our blankets. Her singing became more....Like she also knew she was going to die. Just the way she acted..I felt like I knew too. I think we all knew she was not going to stay. She couldn't." Ms.Etsu had begun to cry. I walked up behind her, and rested my head upon hers. 

" _Yuuki still loves us, and she always will."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write this today, since it’s obviously Yuuki’s 26th birthday. Having Yuuki’s birthday, this will be an 8 years later based chapter. (yes Iseri still refers to Yuuki's urn as her. SO SAD. and YES the apartment number stands for December 27th.)


End file.
